Triumphnot Motorcycles India CEO quits amid salary cut

Disclaimer: After reading this article, if you still need to read this disclaimer to understand that this is a piece of satire, a figment of my imagination, an exercise in fiction, you should seriously consider jumping in front of a landing aircraft, or at least not having sex for the rest of your life because of fear of transmitting your stupidity germs to your unfortunate unborn child.

Delhi: Triumphnot Motorcycles India CEO, Mr Simal Vumbly, has resigned this afternoon as confusion about his salary became the leading news of the day. Mr. Vumbly, the ex-national sales manager of Pajaj Probiking, joined Triumphnot India as Managing Director about a year back. In the last 2 weeks, there were unconfirmed reports of his paycheque being drastically reduced, without any proper explanation from Triumphnot UK. 

Mr. Vumbly organised a press conference this afternoon, where he explained the reason for his sudden separation and shed some light on the entire fiasco. Here’s the official statement released by Mr. Vumbly:

I joined Triumphnot Motorcycles India in the capacity of Managing Director, thinking I’ll be making pounds instead of rupees. With a yearly CTC of 100,000 pounds, it was time for me to hit the big league bitches! The first 11 months went like a dream, and I was swimming in money, quite literally. But my shockingly low November salary prompted me to talk to Triumphnot UK about what’s up.

Triumphnot UK didn’t respond to my concern for 2 weeks, which was surprising to say the least. I tried all different channels, but to no avail. Since I had generated a lot of noise, Triumphnot UK finally gave the following reply after 3 weeks:

“Triumphnot Motorcycles Private Limited would like to clarify that the earlier information on your salary package displayed the EU specifications, which was mentioned under the terms and conditions section of your offer letter. The compensation processes in India and UK are different, which leads to variations in the calculation of salary payments in rupees. The specifications are now updated and are as follows:

Yearly CTC: 100,000 rupees (Not pounds)

Salary break up:

10,250 rupees – Base salary

5,750 rupees – House Rental Allowance

4,100 rupees – Conveyance Allowance

79,900 rupees – Fraud, malpractice, and misinformation allowance

Since our foray into the Indian market, all our employees in India have been paid as per the Indian standards, apart from you of course. Please note that specifications of the salary given in India are the same which is given elsewhere globally, with few minor variations to comply with Indian regulations.

We have also received your queries with regards to your November Salary. We would like to state that your salary has always been 100,000 rupees per year. We understand that some confusion has been caused to our esteemed employee in relation to the aforesaid. We request our employee to kindly allow us some time to review and revert on the same.

As a brand, Triumphnot Motorcycles India Private Limited values its employees and their satisfaction is of the utmost importance to us. We request our employees to directly contact the managers in their respective departments for any further assistance. The contact detail for each individual manager is available on our website. Customers can also reach us at employee.care@triumphnotmotorcycles.com. We will review each query independently and try our best to resolve in accordance with the brand guidelines and procedures.

All media queries should be directed to Mr. Dea Thtot Riumphnot at DeathToTriumphnot@euloggyindia.in.

Oh and by the way, you’ll need to return us all the excess salary paid to you in pounds since the day you’ve joined, which roughly amounts to 11,106,79,11 rupees. Please contact your manager to facilitate quick payment of the same”

Can you believe that? My salary is gone from 1 crore a year to 1 lakh a year, in the blink of a second! They even want me to pay them back over 11 crores! And all these motherfuckers had to say in the end was “We understand that some confusion has been caused to our esteemed employee in relation to the aforesaid”. What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? How can they do that? If the had told me what I was getting from the start, I wouldn’t even have joined this stupid company. I have put in my papers this afternoon, but I’m still waiting for an explanation and reimbursement from Triumphnot. This is outrageous! 

On being asked how could he possibly have missed such a huge blunder in his salary amount, Mr. Vumbly humbly said:

Dude everyone said it was 100,000 Pounds, OK? The HR said 100,000 Pounds, the offer letter said 100,00 Pounds, everyone said it was 100,000 fucking Pounds, and that’s the fucking reason why I took the job in the first place! But now I’ve noticed they put in this tiny little invisible piece of shit disclaimer at the bottom of the letter:

Reasonable care is taken to ensure the accuracy of information and related materials provided by Triumphnot Motorcycles Limited on this offer letter, however, Triumphnot Motorcycles Limited is not responsible for misprints, out-of-date information, technical or salary inaccuracies, typographical or other errors appearing on this letter or any other random piece of paper. Information and related materials are subject to change without notice. By accepting this offer letter, you assume the risk that the information and materials in this letter may be incomplete, inaccurate, out-of-date, or may not meet your needs and requirements. Please note that this offer letter contains a bunch of horse shit that may or may not be stated.

How in hell am I supposed to pay any attention to this? There are so many pages in an offer letter, it’s like a fucking encyclopedia, I seem to have missed reading this somehow. But this is plain and simple fraud, nothing more! I’m planning to take Triumphnot to court soon, this is not over. 

A brave reporter asked Mr. Vumbly the one question everyone had in their mind already: “Mr. Vumbly, isn’t this exactly what you did to the Triumphnot owners in India?

Mr. Vumbly replied:

Naaaaa man whaaaat, that was just a simple misunderstanding dude! That is nothing as compared to the torture that I’m going through. Who gives a shit about a bunch of rich asswads dropping a bunch of horsepower anyway, right? Ha, am I right or what? 

It was at this point that an irate Triumphnot Daytona owner flung his Alpinestars SMX-6 gore-tex riding boots on Mr. Vumbly. The first one missed him by a few inches, but the right one’s sole directly landed on his nose, which was bleeding and looked broken thereafter. He was rushed to the hospital. The Daytona owner was promptly arrested, but gave the following statement before being taken to a Police station:

My life is ruined! I left my job, cashed my Employee Provident Fund savings, borrowed money from friends, borrowed money from parents, took a loan, and then bought my dream bike. The Daytona was already grossly overpriced from Triumphnot’s initial promise, but then I said fuck it. Now everyone calls my bike the De-tuna, and R15 and CBR150 owners come to taunt me for a race. I can’t even begin to imagine how Striple owners are surviving! Triumphnot needs to be burned to the ground, their slogan shouldn’t be “For the ride”, but “Taken for the ride”!

All of these developments are of course happening at the backdrop of Triumphnot heavily detuning their bikes for India, but still asking for premium prices, and all the time not informing customers of the true power figures. We’ll keep an eye on the developments as they come, stay tuned to Fake Biker!

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.  Any resemblance to actual events, things, corporations, motorcycle manufacturers, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. 

37 Responses

  1. Reeto says:

    Good one…………..has Vimal Sumbly seriously quit????

  2. Very distasteful and sadistic! Get a life!

  3. Amit Seymour says:

    Nice spoof, however he should take moral responsibility and do the correct thing by quitting, after all we street triple owners have been defrauded under his watch.

    • Fake Biker says:

      Hehe, I really doubt that’s gonna happen man. I think the Striple owners will be more than happy with a generous settlement, although the company’s reputation is down the gutter forever.

  4. Sting says:

    Please put a warning on the top of the article saying: Secure your seat you might fall off laughing. Utterly hilarious!! Great satire with this analogy.

  5. Dimple says:

    As you just proved you fail at satire and even fiction writing, must enroll in for a full-time course in basic writing etiquette. God bless you with some wisdom and “right” sense of humor.

  6. Rahul says:

    The only people commenting below that this article is crap and things like that are the ones who do not understand what motorcycling means to our community. Triumph’s case is a sheer case of cheating and hiding information and this cannot be taken lightly. This is a great spoof article and if this is in good spirit of humor. Faking news should consider on publishing this on their website.

  7. Awesome article… Can’t stop laughing..

  8. Neeraj says:

    Why is it that both the ladies who commented hate the post? Have you lost your sense of humour? Or did you read this during the bad time of the month?
    Anyway, if you have a life and we dont, why are you reading this in the first place?!
    Take things easy, you PR bimbos..
    And Triumph sucks.

  9. bal53 says:

    And now this article is getting all the attention that those shitty Triumph management guys never wanted to happen. THAT’S STREISAND EFFECT BITCHES!!! First you fucked us and then you tell us to shut-the-fuck-up , aan-aan that’s never going to happen.
    Really appreciate that you’ve decided to keep this article online even after those assholes efforts to rake it down, although not in the original avatar, but still a great one!!!

  10. SPS says:

    I got my Street just a week before the fraud was exposed. You’ve managed to put things in perspective while keeping it light.

    I’m rich and insane, that’s why I bought a motorcycle this powerful and I will spend my last rupee to ensure these rascals never cheat anyone again.

    I love your writing, keep it coming!

  11. Rahul says:

    Good to read the article for the second time – it was taken down by author after being bullied with legal action.

    The trouble is some big men in suits, think they’re too big because they got away doing what they do – or not doing what they should be – propped up by a big pay-cheque, prestigious sounding title and an MBA degree from some Harvard or Coward college. When caught with their pants down, they act like they did nothing wrong, even though these [ fraudsters or incompetent buffoons – you choose which, because they had their copy of the ARAI certificate over a year before they corrected their website , so either it’s a deliberate fraud or a huge pile of poop no one noticed ].

    I don’t know the motor vehicle laws, but if the ARAI certificates are necessary for RTO clearance, then every dealer would have them before sales commence, which makes dealers a guilty party to the crime. But then how many honest car/bike dealers do you know, eh ?

    Oh and you could have used Cry-humph for the company name, at least it rhymes ! If the suits at Triumph UK are appalled by this, then they should do the right thing and remove these bullying jerks from their Indian subsidiary and put someone honest and competent, perhaps a real biker who knows how deeply bikers feel about “a few horsepower” .

    To the “ladies” commenting, it’s plain obvious you’re paid mourners from the PR firm hired. You’re only making your firm look worse.
    And eulogy ? Did someone just die ? Let me guess, is it Triu…? No need to see the coroner, it was suicide.

    To Triumph management : if you’re reading this, the money spent on hiring ineffectual PR would be better spent buying back the bikes from unhappy customers, or offering to bring them up to advertised spec. If you could react within hours to a satirical blog post but took weeks to respond to customers, then you ought to be ashamed. What would really have worked your way was a public unconditional apology and an offer to buy back at full cost, the motorcycles sold.

    I suppose the only way you’ll feel any empathy is if the /Jaguars/Benzes/Audis/BMWs/ you personally own and their parent companies give you the kind of pain you gave Indian owners, how it feels to be taken for a ride.

    PS: I own a De-tuna, and while I haven’t used all its 116 horses, I would have loved it even more had it been 126 or more horses. No personal grudge or favoritism for/against Triumph other than this sub-continental debacle. It’s a good company, but any automotive company comprises different functions – engineering, managerial and so on ; the engineering teams are doing great (* conditions apply ! some things could be better!) but the management (at least the Indian counterparts , the UK ones too if they knew what was happening and still let it go on unchecked), oh – they ought to be giving 106 blow-jobs to donkeys and elephants -or the Arrow pipes – after initially being told they have to give only 79. They’d be thankful for (chain) lube.

    • Fake Biker says:

      Dude, Cryumph is such a good idea! Missed it 🙁

      At this point, I really don’t care which all people were complicit in this scheme, dealers, mechanics, management or whoever else. The thing now is that it’s been more than a month since the issue started, and Triumph hasn’t done ANYTHING. I don’t consider closed-door meetings with only the Striple owners to be equivalent to doing something. The Striple continues to sell at over 9 lacs OTR, and no public statement has been made apart from that robotic one on FB.

      That PR firm name is just epic!

      They make great bikes, no question about that. But their management and PR department is just bonkers! If their operations continue like this in India, they’ll be needing a lot of lube for whats coming for them 😀

  12. i read this today….and the article is fucking awesome !!

  13. You have made me a fan of you within 48 hours mate! Your writing style is exactly what we need.

    I concur that Triumph India created havoc when they sold detuned motorcycles without informing customers (Motorcycle aficionados / enthusiasts). The least they could have done was to tender an unconditional & public apology. It would have been better.

    I may still buy a triumph because of the Engine – The triple cylinder is a hoot!

    I may go for the Tiger 800 XRx over the Street Triple 765 (R) though! (Adventure tourer vs Street focused ride)

    PS: Hopefully, 2017 will see the Street Triple 765 S / R / RS launched with all the horses!

    May the force be with you!

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